Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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