It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
