I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
