i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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