he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?â€
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