: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
