Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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