her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
