i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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