SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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