I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
