I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
