If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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