You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
