my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
