wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
