DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
