drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
