Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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