dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
