Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
