im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize