so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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