My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
sex in a hospital.. check
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
