Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
