I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm really busy with my period
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