I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
