i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
