I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
