Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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