Got a toothbrush?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
