My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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