I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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