So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Randomize
