so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
