New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
