I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
