meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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