so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
