You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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