that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
