did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
