Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The adults are the big ones right?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
