So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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