New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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