me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
