when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
