I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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