I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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