I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
