my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Randomize
