Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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