They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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