I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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