my phone needs a breathalizer
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
