And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
