Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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